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..but my soul won't bleed anymore...
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2005|10:06 am] |
who is there to look to when it all goes wrong and nobody else is fine?
i jsutw ant to curl up in a corner and stay there till it gets dark.thank god tonights the last of work till saturday.i dont know how i'll manage to smile again tonight.i just want to disappear for a while.nothings going right.everythings falling apart.i dont think i can bear to be around people who are sad because i cant be happy myself.i dont think i can leave this room because what can i say? what will i say? how will i force anything out?
i nearly screwed up all my workl before.i should burn it all and walk away from college.i dont give a shit anymore, but its safer to be there than here all day.ooh i could work at homebase full time.yeah..cos that wouldnt drive me fucking insane.
i was talking to pauline yesterday.or shorty.she was talking about her gf, megabowl, cutting herself, depression and self harm etc.we were joking about borrowing a sharp knife from the knife aisle and bringing it back later.its nice to know someone will talk but then again she's one of those people who likes to talk and talk and doesnt listen and thinks she's the only one.so again im just nodding and agreeing.
im fed up.lifes boring.its dull.its shit.
its sunnier today.my head just feels fuzzy but i'll say yey it makes me feel so much better.id drink if i didnt have to drive.
work work work thats what i should be doing.la la la
should i hoover? oh no.too loud.
i give up.i cant make anyone ok.its not my fault but it makes me feel i dunno, weighted down by even more because im too scared to see people incase they break and i wont know what to do.but thats my job in life.give and give and give and listen.im not allowed to receive because soemone up there decided fate wont give me a way out or even a little bit of help.
im moaning,its only 10.13.i forgot about my legs till this morning.no wonder it hurt to move all night.i just led there and listened to music.yey.music.im getting sick of it.i have to put dance music on or trance before work just to get my spirits up slightly.
what the fuck can i take photos of? i have a day left.where did this week go?
i wish it'd come back. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2005|10:34 pm] |
i think i need to stay out of people's lives
i cant deal with any fucking thing anymore
not on eperson will tell me how they feel
not one person will stay after they promise to
not one person will open up to me anymore
not one person will give me reason enough to change
not one person will fall apart if i was gone
not one person gives a shit anymore
not one person will stay the same
not one person will help me
not one person will let me help
not one person makes me feel like im needed
not one person slaps me in the face and tells me to stop being so fucking slfish
every single person makes me feel iv failed them
every single person leaves and changes
every single person takes my heart and breaks it
everyone lies
everyone hurts me and i still hide it
everyone deceives me
everyone plays with my mind
everyone thinks its funny
nobody sees
nobody knows
nobody will stay the same
nobody will just let me be there for them
everyones gone havent they? i used to feel i was reason enough to keep going, i used to be made to believe i made people a bit happier
i used to feel i helped just a little bit
i want hazel and chris and manda and charm and stu to be ok
i want the most important people in my life to be ok
i want to help them and be there
and i cant be because im no longer needed
nothings about me.dont ever suggest i think it is
i just cant do this anymore.
i need isolation.
i cant stand to lose another person or have them fall apart or leave
or change
i cant fucking take it right now and its going to happen i know it.i can feel it.i just need to get away
i need to stay away from the net
i need to start fixing myself
i need to know what to do |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2005|10:12 pm] |
i feel like everythings wrong
the only thing keeping me together now is work
if i try and like it and sound like i like it then i'll like it right? it will be ok right?
i mean im friendly, i try, im nice, helpful, try to be funny
if i try it'll be okay.right?
i like work.work keeps me sane.the more im at work the less im alone.i like work.work is good for me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2005|06:05 pm] |
it just isnt my day is it?
sociology was good as we watched rogue trader[s] ? and then i was going to scive photography as the bus left tooe arly but noo i needed a camera and a mark and stuff.ha why do i give a shit?
i was going to drive but i didnt want to have to drive anne marie.she can fuck off my cars my safe place im not letting her use me to drive her round every week.
yeah so.photography well.we did nothing.me and anne marie.so i had to make small talk.
umm.couldnt even write letters i forgot paper.
the bus was an hour late.i got back to main campus and my car at 5 to 2 for fucks sake.when was my new job starting? thats right.2.
and the driver lied and said he came but he didnt cos we stood waiting for an hour.fuck him.
then every car infront of me was so fucking slow ooh i was pissed off.can you tell?
i swear too much.
i sat on a till for 3 hours and it was fun i served so many people. some nice laydee helped me and the ppul i talked to were nice.she assumed i was a size ten and gave me a green shirt and jumper and black trousers which fit but finished above my ankle.meh.thank god i was sat down.
apparantley im not doing till :( i liked tills. but im ppul's boss.oh dear god.so im working 5-9 not 5-10 tomorrow.yey..or soemthing.10% day too.ooh everyone go buy something and laugh at me.not.
so yeah.
i was hyper happy after that i enjoyed it.
got home and theres nothing like the good old nhs to make your day is there?
we can give you an appointment..blah blah blah
yey for me.guess when they can fit me in? guess how long i have to wait? go on.i bet you cant.
8-9 months.oh how fucking important and special i feel.oh how fucking great.my mums on a 'thats disgusting' rant and i just dont give a shit because thats what i get for caring.for giving a shit.
for asking for help.8-9 months.will i be here then? will i be breathing?w ill i be in preston?
if i am i'll be begging them to kill me.
fuck this.fuck today it never fucking happened.
i dont think i could feel any lower.
when will i find out why everythings against me being ok in life/ no matter what i do or how hard i try, nothings ever given back.
fuck believing.there is no god, no nothing, no hope, no faith, no strength no nothing
from now on fuck it all.
fuck off.why did i ever care.
i felt less alone when nobody knew.
im not allowed anything others are allowed am i?
do i ask for too much? love, being cared about, having help, having someone close to me, having my own mother, having happiness.
clearly that was all too fucking much.
from now on i dont want a single thing.
i just want to be left alone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|09:53 pm] |
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pleeeease dont make me work this weekend :( nooooo. i dont want to miss metalfest :( |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|05:46 pm] |
yey lance is back <3
ha.on the bus darryl was with his gf n woody said 'use protection!' as a joke as they got off and darryl turned round and said im gonna hit you etc and mumbled something else and then said his gf was pregnant.hehe no wonder she looks so fucking miserable having his baby or am i being too mean?
and woody's ex.meh why do people mess around with pregnancy lies?
aargh oh well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|12:27 pm] |
yey i got a job.nooo :(
Rip apart like everything
Anger me through the ceiling
Say the one thing
That drives me crazy
Till I'm burning in the fire again
I swear
I am burning in the fire again
I know I’ve been there once before
With my face down to the floor
Begging to feel the weight no more
Jaded by the ways of the world I keep on waiting
Waiting here alone
Jaded by like the rest of the world I keep on waiting
Waiting here alone
Speak to me in riddles that
Are somewhat hard to understand
Say something or don’t say anything
And I’m preaching to the choir again
I swear
I am preaching to the choir again
I know I’ve been there once before
With my face down to the floor
Beggin’ to feel the weight no more
So I pave my own way
Just to get through the cold
I’m so sick of suffering and waiting here alone |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|11:47 am] |
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i stole this from my wifey i hope she doesn't mind.
some weird guys asking me whether im a goth.meh stop reading my screen!
( st00fs ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2005|03:41 pm] |
ha.i so screwed up that interview.oh welllli didnt even mean to scive today but the park school bus just didnt exist
hmm wonder when martin'll stop loving me and put me on report? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|07:59 pm] |
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i got hot chocolate scented candles today.ace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2005|01:26 pm] |
i've been bored enough to decide that atreyu's the crimson has copied the beginning/bits of silent words by scars of life.
sundays are rubbish.i wish i would actually do some work!
i miss people a bit too much really |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2005|05:46 pm] |
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oh no clyde i didnt know you were having a party im so sowwy.i think we're at jillies next week though? miss you xxx [watch out for busy roads!] |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2005|01:49 pm] |
hmm iv decided to apply for counselling and health studies at salford.i want to do it so much :(
least im being occupied |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2005|01:12 pm] |
i think im a bit shocked at myself today.last night scared me and now im sciving again.is so bad i have to make effort.
sorry clyde i had to g last night btw but i miss you so much.
this weekend i think im going to wander round town tomorrow as i need to get manda fairy a present then god knows what il do at night/sunday.
im going to watch tv all day.im lazy yep |
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